Not All That Complicated, Really

It’s Complicated is the newest rom-com claptrap from Nancy Meyer – that delightful woman who brought us The Holiday (which I haven’t seen and have no intention of remedying any time soon) and Something’s Gotta Give (which I have seen. Bill was in it. Or was it Ted? Enough said). Maybe delightful is the wrong word for our dear Nancy. I’ve always pictured her as an amalgamation of the heroines of her films: a sexy older woman, in a pearl necklace, expensive hotel room kind of a way; the kind of older woman whom I’d like to sleep with – that was until I looked her up on IMDb.

The plot of It’s Complicated, considering its title, is surprisingly straightforward. Jake (Baldwin) and Jane (Streep), divorced for a decade, start up an affair. Jake is currently married to the woman who used to be his mistress back when he and Jane were together. Jane feels conflicted, in the sense that she is able to feel two whole emotions at once, and one of them is horny. Things get complicated (I couldn’t resist) when sopping-wet Adam (Steve Martin) arrives and turns on his lukewarm charm.

With our string-bean plot already underway it becomes exceedingly necessary to tie some tinsel onto it, spackle a bit of glitter, and hope that no-one will notice that it’s all for show. Into the mix we throw three adult children, who look conspicuously like cut-outs taken from an Aryan Union advertising campaign; a quirky fiancé for one of the kids; some comic relief, in the form of Jane’s friends; Jake’s current wife; her annoying kid; blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. What comes out is a stodgy mess of co-stars, which is surprising, considering the fact that Jane is supposed to be a pastry chef. With limited film time, none of these secondary characters are fleshed-out, and we start to wonder what they’re all doing there in the first place. The gay-looking son should have actually been gay. Keep one other kid, cut the boring one and the fiancé. We can also afford to roll Jane’s three friends into two, and lose the annoying son of Jake’s new wife, whose sole function is as a joke reference point. There - I just saved Universal about a million bucks in actor’s fees.

So, we need to keep Jane, Jake and Adam for the love triangle to work. (Why do writers never experiment with other shapes? Any odd-number-sided shape will do. Love pentagon – ooh, that’s a great title! It could be set it in the Department of Defence headquarters. Military commanders having sexy liaisons with one-another. Not a lot of exterior shots, though. Anyway…) It’s Complicated butt ups against another glaring problem when it comes to the main characters. There’s no hero! Jane is purely reactionary; she just cooks food, feels conflicted and gets wet every time a man accidentally brushes up against her. If she got that horny 20-year-old look out of her eyes for just a moment she might see that the two guys chasing after her are an overweight douche and an arm-flapper with all the personality of a Sayo biscuit. Jake drives the story, and he’s got charisma, but we don’t love him because deep down he’s a narcissistic prick. He loves the idea of his family back together more than any of the actual people in it. Our only other contender for hero is Adam, and it’s not him because, well…he’s Steve Martin. Of the two men vying for the affection of plain Jane, we don’t know who to root for – the dishcloth or the gorilla.

Blake Snyder affirms that good scenes make good films. The reverse is also true. There’s one particularly bad part in which the three children huddle up under a blanket together and have a little cry. It seems that their parents having a bit of slap and tickle is confusing to a bunch of twenty-somethings because, as the youngest one says: ‘We’re still getting over the divorce (sniff).’ It happened a decade ago! And who the hell snuggles up under a blanket with their grown siblings and waits for Mummy to come by and make it all better with a Full House-style talk and a group hug, where even the redundant fiancé gets to join in? All that was missing was Bob Saget.

In the end Jane ditches Jake (Jane and Jake – really?), and we fade out with her having a nice little reconciliation chat with lovely-as-pie-but-boring-as-a-wooden-clothes-peg Adam. I guess nice guys really do get the girl, but only when they’re in their mid- to late-50s. It’s Complicated isn’t a bad film, just mediocre, and filled with excess scenes and characters, and the whole thing is a little flabby, much like Alec Baldwin.

Shine On You Crazy Diamond-Encrusted Vampire

First things first: I’m aware of the fact that everyone from Roger Ebert to Roger Ramjet has already thoroughly lambasted Twilight: New Moon. Some would say that by writing a review of it now, I am simply flogging the proverbial deceased equine. However, as I had a pretty good idea that New Moon was going to be terrible before I saw it, I decided that instead of shelling out seventeen bucks to see it at the cinema, I would wait until an illegal Balinese DVD was given to me by a friend who doesn’t know me very well. As always, my prediction was bang on. I’m like Nostra-frigging-damus. Or Ashley Geene.

I know what you’re thinking and I’m already way ahead of you. No, I didn’t read the book, or the one before it, nor do I intend to. I know that makes me a heathen in the collective hive mind of you true believers out there, but before you start complaining about how I can’t possibly understand blah blah because of nyar nyar blah blah blah, (that’s how you sound) I must remind you that a film and a book are different things. Each should be able to stand alone, which is why a novel is adapted into a screenplay, and why I don’t get an instructional video with every book that I purchase. I didn’t read the books for the same reason that I don’t have braces and pigtails: I’m not a 15-year-old girl. And yes, I know that adults can read the Twilight books too. But that’s not to say that they should.

Bella is back to stutter her way through another adventure with Edward, so get ready for two hours of heavy breathing and brooding, pained stares. Edward, being far prettier than his female counterpart, just has to stand up straight and look dreamy, while Bella (Kristen Stewart), has to do all the real acting, and winds up having a fucking anxiety attack every time. This first act is actually quite tight - Edward breaks up with Bella and leaves town to protect her. The film should have ended here, but instead they let it wobble along through plot points shakier than an Alzheimer’s ward built on a fault line. Bella gets depressed because she’s 18, and will never be this in love ever EVER again. She has a bunch of screamy-dreams; catches a film or two with her sort-of friends; then gets into adrenaline rushes, which somehow allow her to see a smoky version of Edward, who gives her sound advice that she promptly ignores. While this is happening, Jacob and Bella spend a montage and multiple other scenes building motorbikes together that they ride just the one time. Jacob goes through a bit of a rough patch when someone cuts his hair off and steals all his t-shirts, and the poor lad has to run around in sneakers and cut offs for the entire second half of the film. As if the Native Americans didn’t have it hard enough. Oh, and he’s a werewolf, as if you couldn’t have guessed from the nose-on-your-face-obvious foreshadowing from the first film. I could go on, but you get the general idea: it’s a bunch of choppy exposition taken directly from the book, combined with random, unrelated sequences that are joined together with adhesive tape and twine. What we wind up with is a stroboscopic view of a story, instead of the smooth narrative line one would hope for.

The most frustrating aspect of New Moon is the contrived Romeo and Juliet parallel. The film opens with a quote from the play. Bella wakes from her dream moments later and the book is on her bed. She then goes to school and her friends mention the play in the parking lot. They watch the film in class. The list goes on. All of these references to Romeo and Juliet are squashed into the first ten minutes of the film, and jammed right up in your face. Theme, like a good Pinot Noir or a proper blowjob, is all about subtlety. Someone (I’m not naming names) needed to give the viewer more credit in their ability to recognise that New Moon is exactly like Romeo and Juliet; only there’s vampires instead of Montagues, and no real Capulets. Also, Romeo and Juliet were successful in killing themselves.

On a final note, while I’m not implying that product placement occurred in this film, I would like to remind you to take your JanSport backpack with you when you fly Virgin: the official airline of vampirism.